Movie: Machete Kills (2013)

Machete Kills
Action, Crime, Thriller

I have been waiting for this for years! Just how many stars can Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Planet Terror) fit into one movie? I'll tell you just how many... in just a second. I'm a huge Rodriguez fan, I mean how can you not be with a resume of films like he's got? Plus all the music from all his films is by his band Chingon (did you notice that the armored ute had Chingon printed across the back window?). He is very Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs), probably because those two have spent the majority of their movie making careers bouncing off each other, just look at the Grindhouse films.

Ok, so back to all the awesome stars! If you haven't seen the first Machete then for goodness sake, go watch it! I should probably mention here that you shouldn't get attached to any of the characters, they tend to die a lot no matter who they are... unless it's Machete played by Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, From Dusk Til Dawn) - he never dies! Jessica Alba (Sin City, Dark Angel) revives her role as Agent Sartana from the last film for about 5 minutes before being shot in the head. Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical, Sucker Punch) plays a not so sweet virgin for about 5 minutes before being shot and thrown out of a helicopter. Though I half expected Alba to reappear ala She from the last film... but it didn't happen. Also reprising a role from the first film is Osiris (Tom Savini) who nailed Padre to the cross. Does Machete forgive him? I'll let you find out.

I laughed so hard when I heard Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) aka Carlos Estevez (I always wondered why he didn't keep his actual name, it's so much cooler than Charlie Sheen....) was the President of the USA. He played the role really well actually. I've heard he's really hard to work with and I kept expecting to want to laugh at him for mucking around, but he's actually a good fit! Funny that... Oh, and he legalised marijuana! Booyah! Ha!

Amber Heard (Zombieland, Pineapple Express) plays Machete's handler, assigned by the President. She's under cover as pageant contestant, Miss San Antonio. There is a hilarious moment when her and Machete get it ornnn and the words "Put on 3D glasses now!" flash across the screen. I'm pretty sure it was a joke and that you wouldn't see anything even if you did have 3D glasses, but so hilarious!

Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) was amazing! She plays a hard core Madam on a vengeance rampage for her daughter (Vanessa Hudgens) and her weapons are crazy awesome. The machine gun bra was just the beginning of it and her one liners were awesome. She does the crazy laugh and frustrated scream so well, it really fits with the style of the whole film. I was left wondering how often she would have to calibrate the guns to shoot straight...

Let's talk about my favourite character - the faceless assassin, The Chameleon. I was so thrilled to see Walton Goggins (The Shield, Sons of Anarchy) walk into the bar as The Chameleon. Then he rips his face off and suddenly he's Cuba Gooding Jr (Jerry Maguire, Men of Honor)! Hell yeah! But wait, that's not all! The majority of The Chameleon's screen time is played by Lady Gaga (uhh, the musician, have you been living under a rock?!) who's outfits actually work really well with this film. She does a great job and I really hope she will be in more Rodriguez / Tarantino flicks. Just when you think The Chameleon is done for and that they wouldnt be able to come up with any more famous names to take his face... along comes Antonio Banderas (Desperado, Puss In Boots). Seriously Rodriguez, you are amazing!

Yes, Michelle Rodriguez (The Fast and The Furious, Resident Evil) is back, reprising her role as SHE, with the one eye looking sexy as hell with the eyepatch. I don't want to say too much about what happens with her... I've given you enough spoilers... but she kicks some serious ass and the preview for Machete Kills Again: In Space... Some other characters spotted from the previous movie are the gun toting nurses and the vomiting border patrol guy. Just when you think they couldn't possibly fit in any more major names, along comes Mel Gibson (Braveheart, The Patriot) to play the villain! I know, my head is kersploding too. How is that for a cast!?

This review is getting massively long but I have to list a few of the awesome deaths I saw including; Helicopter and Boat propellers, a guy in a wheelchair being rocket bombed, machetes cutting off all sorts of body parts, a molecular blaster that turns people inside out, Mel Gibson's face being burnt off and finally, death by pageant crown! I laughed and laughed!

Such a good movie. Loved it! Will watch again and recommend. Just remember not to take it too seriously and you will enjoy it too.

5 out of 5 tacos...

SHE "Taco Time!"

Machete "Machete don't tweet."

Miss San Antonio "Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray, its my cover."