Movie: Machete Kills (2013)

Machete Kills
Action, Crime, Thriller

I have been waiting for this for years! Just how many stars can Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Planet Terror) fit into one movie? I'll tell you just how many... in just a second. I'm a huge Rodriguez fan, I mean how can you not be with a resume of films like he's got? Plus all the music from all his films is by his band Chingon (did you notice that the armored ute had Chingon printed across the back window?). He is very Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs), probably because those two have spent the majority of their movie making careers bouncing off each other, just look at the Grindhouse films.

Ok, so back to all the awesome stars! If you haven't seen the first Machete then for goodness sake, go watch it! I should probably mention here that you shouldn't get attached to any of the characters, they tend to die a lot no matter who they are... unless it's Machete played by Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, From Dusk Til Dawn) - he never dies! Jessica Alba (Sin City, Dark Angel) revives her role as Agent Sartana from the last film for about 5 minutes before being shot in the head. Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical, Sucker Punch) plays a not so sweet virgin for about 5 minutes before being shot and thrown out of a helicopter. Though I half expected Alba to reappear ala She from the last film... but it didn't happen. Also reprising a role from the first film is Osiris (Tom Savini) who nailed Padre to the cross. Does Machete forgive him? I'll let you find out.

I laughed so hard when I heard Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) aka Carlos Estevez (I always wondered why he didn't keep his actual name, it's so much cooler than Charlie Sheen....) was the President of the USA. He played the role really well actually. I've heard he's really hard to work with and I kept expecting to want to laugh at him for mucking around, but he's actually a good fit! Funny that... Oh, and he legalised marijuana! Booyah! Ha!

Amber Heard (Zombieland, Pineapple Express) plays Machete's handler, assigned by the President. She's under cover as pageant contestant, Miss San Antonio. There is a hilarious moment when her and Machete get it ornnn and the words "Put on 3D glasses now!" flash across the screen. I'm pretty sure it was a joke and that you wouldn't see anything even if you did have 3D glasses, but so hilarious!

Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) was amazing! She plays a hard core Madam on a vengeance rampage for her daughter (Vanessa Hudgens) and her weapons are crazy awesome. The machine gun bra was just the beginning of it and her one liners were awesome. She does the crazy laugh and frustrated scream so well, it really fits with the style of the whole film. I was left wondering how often she would have to calibrate the guns to shoot straight...

Let's talk about my favourite character - the faceless assassin, The Chameleon. I was so thrilled to see Walton Goggins (The Shield, Sons of Anarchy) walk into the bar as The Chameleon. Then he rips his face off and suddenly he's Cuba Gooding Jr (Jerry Maguire, Men of Honor)! Hell yeah! But wait, that's not all! The majority of The Chameleon's screen time is played by Lady Gaga (uhh, the musician, have you been living under a rock?!) who's outfits actually work really well with this film. She does a great job and I really hope she will be in more Rodriguez / Tarantino flicks. Just when you think The Chameleon is done for and that they wouldnt be able to come up with any more famous names to take his face... along comes Antonio Banderas (Desperado, Puss In Boots). Seriously Rodriguez, you are amazing!

Yes, Michelle Rodriguez (The Fast and The Furious, Resident Evil) is back, reprising her role as SHE, with the one eye looking sexy as hell with the eyepatch. I don't want to say too much about what happens with her... I've given you enough spoilers... but she kicks some serious ass and the preview for Machete Kills Again: In Space... Some other characters spotted from the previous movie are the gun toting nurses and the vomiting border patrol guy. Just when you think they couldn't possibly fit in any more major names, along comes Mel Gibson (Braveheart, The Patriot) to play the villain! I know, my head is kersploding too. How is that for a cast!?

This review is getting massively long but I have to list a few of the awesome deaths I saw including; Helicopter and Boat propellers, a guy in a wheelchair being rocket bombed, machetes cutting off all sorts of body parts, a molecular blaster that turns people inside out, Mel Gibson's face being burnt off and finally, death by pageant crown! I laughed and laughed!

Such a good movie. Loved it! Will watch again and recommend. Just remember not to take it too seriously and you will enjoy it too.

5 out of 5 tacos...

SHE "Taco Time!"

Machete "Machete don't tweet."

Miss San Antonio "Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray, its my cover."

TV: Sons of Anarchy SE5 EP3

Sons of Anarchy
Crime, Drama

I suppose I have to talk about this episode, don't I?

I knew one of the Sons was going to die this week because I follow the brilliant Kurt Sutter on Twitter and he does a weekly (or so...) video blog called WTF Sutter? which talks about his processes and things that are happening with the show, etc. Last week he told us about the death of a major character in yesterday's episode and so I've spent all week trying to think who it could be.

Unfortunately for me, one of my American Tweeps accidentally spoiled it for me and told me who it was.... it made me not want to watch this episode.

So I guess I better warn you that if you haven't seen it yet, you might not want to read this post.

Let's get this out of the way then so I can talk about other things. RIP Opie (Ryan Hurst)! One of my favourite characters from the very beginning. I was one of the billion or so people who shed a tear for Opie last night... and for Jax (Charlie Hunnam) too, having to watch his best friend being beaten to death. Damn, that destroyed me. Why'd it have to be Opie? is the question on everyone's lips at the moment. I didn't even consider that it would be him and I'm pretty sure I wasn't alone in thinking it would be Tig (Kim Coates) to go, after the whole killing Pope's (Harold Perrineau) daughter thing... But Sutter would never do something that obvious, would he?

Jax is going to get scary now! His threat to the guard; I have no doubt he will do it and I can't freakin' wait to see it! I was right there with him, teeth gritted and fuming! I thought he was being a bit of a soft cock when Pope was rattling off his demands but the second meeting... yep, shit is gonna hit the fan real soon!

Clay (Ron Perlman) is such a smart ass! What a prick! Did you see that big grin on his face when Gemma (Katey Sagal) started beating the crap out of Emma Jean? Oh, by the way, a big welcome to Ashley Tisdale! As a bonus, on your first day you will get your ass handed to you by Gemma! Haha! I was wondering how the Disney queen was going to fit in with the bad ass bikies and I did have a bit of a laugh that when I realized she's an escort.... Classic Sutter!

Last thing I wanted to discuss is Tara (Maggie Siff). She is turning into Gemma isn't she? But I love how much of a hard ass she is now. That one look she gave Gemma; phwor. *backs away slowly* She's definitely taken over the role of Old Lady to the club and Gemma is right, she's smart. She also knows everything that's going on with Romeo (Danny Trejo) and the CIA. I think she will surprise us yet this season and I'm really looking forward to it!

4 out of 5 Mickey Mouse Club badges...

TV: Sons Of Anarchy SE5 EP1

Sons Of Anarchy
Crime, Drama

I cannot stop thinking about this episode! Wow! What an introduction to the season! Kurt Sutter, you continue to blow my mind! I think I actually screamed aloud at one point...

Recap; last season we left off with Opie (Ryan Hurst) shooting Clay (Ron Perlman) twice in the chest after he found out that Clay killed his dad Piney (William Lucking), Jax (Charlie Hunnam) almost killing Clay in hospital with a syringe full of air after Gemma (Katey Sagal) told him that Clay killed his dad, JT. Clay is a big fat daddy killer and everyone wants to take him out now but he told the club that the Niners tried to kill him, so then Tig (Kim Coates) tried to run them down in a rampage and ended up killing the boss' daughter. Big mistake!

Clay bashed Gemma to a pulp so now Gemma has kicked him out and is spiralling into some kind of breakdown. Tara (Maggie Siff) smashed her hand in the door of a van when someone who Clay paid tried to kidnap her. Jax took the gavel with Tara standing behind him, what a scene to leave that season on! Is that it? Probably not, what a season and what an episode to start a new one!

Onto this ep; Clay is out of the hospital but still sitting at the table. Opie has stepped away so Clay tells the crew that Opie was the one who shot him, trying to make himself look better and stop the reprisals to the Niners. Tig realises that he killed an innocent girl and that her daddy is not going to be pleased.

And how about Jimmy Smits (Dexter) joining the cast as Gemma's new squeeze Nero? I forgot he wasn't a part of the original cast for some reason, like he should have been there the whole time, he just fits so well! What do we think Nero is up to? He obviously has some kind of connection to some club or another, what with all those tatts... Think he picked Gemma up at random? Hmm, I'm a bit sceptical, he's a bit too nice if ya know what I mean. Good to see him here though!

Is this the first time we've met Pope (Harold Perrineau - It took me a while to figure out where I rem3ebered this guy from but when I checked his IMDB I realized he was Mercutio in Romeo + Juliet!), leader of the Niners? He's a bit of an imposing crazy guy isn't he? I did not see that scene with Tig coming! I thought for sure he was going to kill Tig... What a horrific scene! and brilliantly portrayed by Kim Coates. I have to admit, it brought tears to my eyes, poor Tig. I wonder if he will tell the club anyway. If there's one thing I know about Motorcycle Clubs, it's that they do not stand for any harm coming to kids, theirs or not. (See BACA - Aust / US) They would back him up and rain hell down on those Niners.

Bringing Bobby (Mark Boone Junior) into the fold with the FBI and making him the VP was the right move to make, but the FBI are only in it for themselves. Still, Danny Trejo (Machete - One of my favourite films!) is one of my favourite actors.

A HUGE review for a HUGE first episode.

5 out of 5 explosions!

[Quote]

Jax: You ready?

Tig: Nah Happy's still getting his dick sucked.

Jax: In this skank-hole?

Tig: Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with the occasional skank.

Jax: Time to pull out...