Movie: Machete Kills (2013)

Machete Kills
Action, Crime, Thriller

I have been waiting for this for years! Just how many stars can Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Planet Terror) fit into one movie? I'll tell you just how many... in just a second. I'm a huge Rodriguez fan, I mean how can you not be with a resume of films like he's got? Plus all the music from all his films is by his band Chingon (did you notice that the armored ute had Chingon printed across the back window?). He is very Quentin Tarantino (Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs), probably because those two have spent the majority of their movie making careers bouncing off each other, just look at the Grindhouse films.

Ok, so back to all the awesome stars! If you haven't seen the first Machete then for goodness sake, go watch it! I should probably mention here that you shouldn't get attached to any of the characters, they tend to die a lot no matter who they are... unless it's Machete played by Danny Trejo (Sons of Anarchy, From Dusk Til Dawn) - he never dies! Jessica Alba (Sin City, Dark Angel) revives her role as Agent Sartana from the last film for about 5 minutes before being shot in the head. Vanessa Hudgens (High School Musical, Sucker Punch) plays a not so sweet virgin for about 5 minutes before being shot and thrown out of a helicopter. Though I half expected Alba to reappear ala She from the last film... but it didn't happen. Also reprising a role from the first film is Osiris (Tom Savini) who nailed Padre to the cross. Does Machete forgive him? I'll let you find out.

I laughed so hard when I heard Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) aka Carlos Estevez (I always wondered why he didn't keep his actual name, it's so much cooler than Charlie Sheen....) was the President of the USA. He played the role really well actually. I've heard he's really hard to work with and I kept expecting to want to laugh at him for mucking around, but he's actually a good fit! Funny that... Oh, and he legalised marijuana! Booyah! Ha!

Amber Heard (Zombieland, Pineapple Express) plays Machete's handler, assigned by the President. She's under cover as pageant contestant, Miss San Antonio. There is a hilarious moment when her and Machete get it ornnn and the words "Put on 3D glasses now!" flash across the screen. I'm pretty sure it was a joke and that you wouldn't see anything even if you did have 3D glasses, but so hilarious!

Sofia Vergara (Modern Family) was amazing! She plays a hard core Madam on a vengeance rampage for her daughter (Vanessa Hudgens) and her weapons are crazy awesome. The machine gun bra was just the beginning of it and her one liners were awesome. She does the crazy laugh and frustrated scream so well, it really fits with the style of the whole film. I was left wondering how often she would have to calibrate the guns to shoot straight...

Let's talk about my favourite character - the faceless assassin, The Chameleon. I was so thrilled to see Walton Goggins (The Shield, Sons of Anarchy) walk into the bar as The Chameleon. Then he rips his face off and suddenly he's Cuba Gooding Jr (Jerry Maguire, Men of Honor)! Hell yeah! But wait, that's not all! The majority of The Chameleon's screen time is played by Lady Gaga (uhh, the musician, have you been living under a rock?!) who's outfits actually work really well with this film. She does a great job and I really hope she will be in more Rodriguez / Tarantino flicks. Just when you think The Chameleon is done for and that they wouldnt be able to come up with any more famous names to take his face... along comes Antonio Banderas (Desperado, Puss In Boots). Seriously Rodriguez, you are amazing!

Yes, Michelle Rodriguez (The Fast and The Furious, Resident Evil) is back, reprising her role as SHE, with the one eye looking sexy as hell with the eyepatch. I don't want to say too much about what happens with her... I've given you enough spoilers... but she kicks some serious ass and the preview for Machete Kills Again: In Space... Some other characters spotted from the previous movie are the gun toting nurses and the vomiting border patrol guy. Just when you think they couldn't possibly fit in any more major names, along comes Mel Gibson (Braveheart, The Patriot) to play the villain! I know, my head is kersploding too. How is that for a cast!?

This review is getting massively long but I have to list a few of the awesome deaths I saw including; Helicopter and Boat propellers, a guy in a wheelchair being rocket bombed, machetes cutting off all sorts of body parts, a molecular blaster that turns people inside out, Mel Gibson's face being burnt off and finally, death by pageant crown! I laughed and laughed!

Such a good movie. Loved it! Will watch again and recommend. Just remember not to take it too seriously and you will enjoy it too.

5 out of 5 tacos...

SHE "Taco Time!"

Machete "Machete don't tweet."

Miss San Antonio "Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray, its my cover."

Movie: Django Unchained (2012)

Django Unchained (2012)
Action, Drama, Western

I was so excited when I saw this movie coming, I was even more excited to find out it came out a month earlier in America than it does here at home in Australia. I'm a massive fan of Quentin Tarantino (Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill) and so this was just an automatic must see for me. I showed my husband a preview (I have to say they don't really show you much or give you a good idea of what the movie is actually like) and read him an article and suddenly he wanted to see it as much as I did. Hurrah!

So New Years Day when we were severely hungover in New York, we walked to one of the theatres in Times Square and lined up to see Tarantino's latest blood 'n' guts film... and wow! I can't remember the last time a film made me think so much, made me laugh out loud and cringe at the same time. I've also never been to the movies with such an expressive audience; there were gasps, cheers and uncomfortably tense moments from the crowd and a round of applause at the end.

As always in a Tarantino flick the cast is amazing! Jamie Foxx (Ray, Law Abiding Citizen) is the lead as Django, a black slave freed from his captives by the German bounty hunter / dentist Dr. King Shultz played by Christoph Waltz (Inglourious Basterds, Water For Elephants) who was absolutely amazing and just won a Golden Globe for this performance. Django and Shultz make a deal, Django helps Shultz to find his latest bounty and in return they go together to rescue Django's wife Broomhilda - played by Kerry Washington (Ray, Fantastic Four) - who has been sold to the powerful plantation owner, Calvin Candie, amazingly portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio (Inception, Blood Diamond).

You would think all those names would be enough but no, there's more! Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction, The Avengers) brilliantly plays Candie's head of house Stephen. Cameos by James Remar (Dexter), Walton Goggins (The Shield), Jonah Hill (Superbad) and of course, Tarantino himself always makes an appearance, this time as an Aussie...with a terrible accent...

Being a Tarantino of course it's rife with violent blood splatter, shocking scenes of murder and disfigurement and foul language. It focuses a lot on the issue of black slavery but it does it so... normally. It felt like of course that's the way they should be treated and according to this article written on SmithsonianMag.com by African American History and Culture Director, Lonnie Bunch, it's pretty damn close to reality. Shame on us!

Absolutely brilliant movie! Everything I have come to expect and love about Tarantino. Will have to go buy this on DVD when it's out, am recommending it to everyone I know with the warning that some parts may just turn your stomach. Out in Australia on the 24th of this month, go see it!

5 out of 5 'N' Words...

[Bonus] 

Samuel L Jackson insists the reporter say the N word before he will answer the question. 

*snickers*

TV: Sons of Anarchy SE5 EP5

Sons of Anarchy
Crime, Drama, Thriller

I cannot help but think about this show for days after every episode, that's a good thing right?

I've figured out who are doing the home invasions! If you don't know and don't want to know, you should probably stop reading this post now but I will tell you that I'm not giving anything away, the clues are all there I just missed them until I had a conversation with a friend about it. Ready.... it's the newly initiated members of the MC who were from another charter... remember when they were first approved and one of them put his leg up on the table? That leg was the same as the one we saw when they broke into Gemma's (Katey Sagal) place and beat up Unser (Dayton Callie). Go back and take another look eh? Sheriff Eli (Rockmond Dunbar) is going to go on a freakin' rampage now that his wife has been injured and very likely lost their baby... bring it I say!

I need to give a very special mention to Walton Goggins (The Shield) who guest starred in this episode as Venus, and boy did he have the best set of boobs I've ever seen or what? I would have loved to have been in the room when they attached those knockers to him! And Tig's (Kim Coates) reaction to her? Brilliant! I did a double take when the kid walked in on Venus and the boys taking photos... it's Marshall Allman who you might recognise as Tommy Mickens from True Blood! Wonder if he's going to stick around for a bit? New prospect maybe? Speaking of guest roles who might stick around, is that the last we've seen of Emma Jean (Ashley Tisdale)? That was quick!

Also good to see Mayor Hale (Jeff Kober) again, seems like him and the MC will have a better working relationship in this season, especially now Jax (Charlie Hunnam) has something to hold over him...

So now they have their new place of business with Nero and even though both Gemma and Nero (Jimmy Smits) are struggling with the no contact rule that Jax has set, it looks like this might work. The MC could get out of the guns and coke and into something more straight laced like Jax has been trying to do since the very beginning, what his father was trying to do before him. Wonder what Clay (Ron Perlman) will do this time? He is being eerily quiet at the moment... makes me wonder whether the guys pulling the home invasions are on his pay role? What do you think?

Tara (Maggie Siff) be careful of that hand will you? You use it too much before the docs say you can and you'll damage it! Trust me, I've got wrist problems, I know what I'm talking 'bout! The Irish discussion between Jax and Galen (Timothy V. Murphy) was a definite highlight.

This show is the highlight of my TV week! Thanks Kurt Sutter!

4 out of 5 ball gags...

[Quote]

Romeo (Danny Trejo): "I didn't know you were going to have entertainment." 

Clay: "Just a little Irish discussion."

Romeo: "Should I be worried?"

Clay: "Nah. It will all end in Guinness and manhood."